i know a lot of people who would disagree with me going to europe this july, because quite honestly, given the whole work situation, it really would have been a more logical choice to hold off traveling plans. but then i remember that work and money is not what life is all about. there are 40 years ahead where i will spend pursuing my career. even in the worse of situations, what is losing a couple of months or even a year?
so i bought my ticket, feeling the exhilaration of youth, impulse, adventure, and the freedom of having made my choice.
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vanna
02:31
sometimes the most logical and predictable act is still capable of drawing the biggest surprise and denial. so i told K i cannot be happier for her, because given the same situation and opportunity, anyone would make the same decision. they can wax lyrical about how great the place is on the whole or how they can change things for the better, but when its all said and done, nothing is more satisfying than telling them, fuck off, this is for treating me like crap.
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vanna
01:20
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
so its all about taking the leap and having the courage to go for what you want. you can say we're all happy for L because he is finally chasing after his dreams and like he aptly put it, there is no other job that allows you to have your breakfast in tokyo and party the night away in paris. there is no telling of the result, but it is always better to try and fail than not trying and never knowing what might have been. this might be the prerogative of the young when they have the time to make mistakes, but i think anyone at any stage in their lives should never be afraid to do the same, because in the end it is one man for himself, and it is afterall in the pursuit of your goals that keep you young as you discover and rediscover yourself.
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vanna
00:15
i think its terrible how difficult it is sometimes to be honest with yourself. you might be able to convince everyone else around you with the lies and excuses, but the biggest hurdle is still yourself. so as i trawl the webpages for flight prices this time, i could not and did not want to know the reason anymore. because i've had 3 different reasons the last 3 years and this year, i will not make up any.
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vanna
23:41
Thursday, February 23, 2012
as i inch towards my mid-twenties, i cant help but look back at my early twenties. it was a period defined by loads of traveling, discovering myself, meeting new people, renewing friendships, completing a degree, and learning hard truths along the way. so the most important one i learnt is to not hold my breath, coz time does not wait.
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vanna
00:07
Thursday, February 09, 2012
in the days that i came back from europe last september i thought a lot about M, and it scares me because this could potentially lead to breaking down the very set of beliefs i have been holding on to in almost my entire life. and whats even scarier is that im not sure if there is still an option of turning back at this point.
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vanna
00:14
Friday, February 03, 2012
today we were talking about relocation again and it surprised me that people have so many reservations about simply uprooting their life and resettling in again in a foreign land. it could be the relationships they have to leave behind, the fear of facing the unknown alone, or something as simple as missing the familiar food and places they grew up with. it is especially hard for me to understand not only because i have no commitments, but also because for me there is nothing more exhilarating and challenging and fulfilling to explore new things and to build up everything from scratch. the new doesnt always have to mean good, but how is it possible to know the good without experiencing the shit?
so i finally said that location is not an issue because when you go to a city, you never plan for a permanent stay. if its a less developed place, you will suck it up and learn to appreciate the things you always complained about back home; if its a more developed place, you will love it but the expensive cost of living will take its toll. so in the end, its pretty much what you make of your own situation. the point is to see as much of the world as possible, isn't it?
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vanna
00:37
Thursday, January 12, 2012
and suddenly i realize that im only 23 and should these 2 years with this company be a complete waste, so be it because im young and i have the luxury of time to make mistakes. after all, even if it take another 8 years to get to managerial level, i would only be 30 or so. so i told Y, should i choose to switch careers then, another 10 years would only make me 40 and i have still time on my side.
finally i told myself, fuck it. coz there will be a time when i will have to worry about whether i have enough money to pay my rent and for retirement, and there will be a time when i have to weigh my career options carefully. but the time is definitely not now. for youth is the time when you should try and fail and fall and pick yourself up because you will not have the time or energy 20 years later.
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vanna
22:08
Saturday, December 31, 2011
i think the biggest takeaway this year was that i finally could see clearly who are the people who matter to me. the acquaintances and the colleagues and the boys come and go, but you know you're in for the long haul if physical distance and personal circumstances no longer keep you apart. and this, you can only tell with time.
you know how someone becomes a yardstick for everyone else you meet?
thats it.
i got an email from T explaining about september, and i honestly do not give two shits about it. any form of closure is completely unnecessary for me simply because im just not that kind of person. to the extent that sometimes even i find it scary how easily i can move on. but its amusing how he thought he must have broken my heart into a million pieces when in fact, i've learnt the same lesson from the biggest mistake i made in 2010.
so bring on 2012, lets roll.
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vanna
01:01
Thursday, December 29, 2011
they always say you can never find the perfect job. but not having the perfect job doesnt mean you cannot love your job. because loving your job is an attitude. but i guess this does not mean we give up searching for the next thing closest to perfection.
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vanna
20:11
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
the thing with writing is that once you put something down in words, they become permanent and seemingly more true than it was before when they were just a mishmash of thoughts and feelings moving around trying to find coherence and logic in your mind. its almost a commitment you make to your ideas and opinions because people who read them can always come back again and again to your words to try interpreting and deciphering them for the hundredth time.
the fact of the matter is that i miss M a lot. more than i can ever imagine. the one week trip here made me only more sure than ever of one thing.
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vanna
22:33
Friday, November 18, 2011
i always say to date indiscriminately when you're young because you have the luxury of time with zero commitment. you get to experience the financial strain when you date people your income bracket and age, the heaviness of a relationship when you date someone expecting something completely different from you, the lightness of it all when you both know you're just in for some fun, the freedom of walking into any restaurant and ordering without looking at the prices when you date the rich, the bittersweetness of those short term relationships where they leave in the end anyway, the ambiguity between something real and something whimsical when you cannot be sure to give your heart away.
so now what if you go an entire round only to find that you're right back at the beginning?
she told me my heart is not here anymore. and i had to agree.
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vanna
00:17
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
and each time you say you cant take it anymore, you convinced yourself just enough to hold on a little bit more, and then without knowing, you've overstayed your due in a place. so before you know it, its been a year and a half.
and the last thing i want is a quarter life crisis at 23.
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vanna
00:03
Thursday, October 27, 2011
i think a lot people have an overly romanticized perception of paris. i've met a handful who have been there and still love it, but most who speak about it as if it's all about the eiffel and the fashion and the louvre and the macarons are those who have not gone there and have seen paris only through travel books and movies. i cannot be sure if the reason lies in the travel partner, but prague was way more romantic in many ways. it didnt reek of the pretentiousness of people trying to exude class by sipping wine at 4 in the afternoon, or clueless people wandering around art museums pretending to appreciate a painting, or obnoxious locals answering you in a string of french sentences and acting like english came from outer space. so the more i thought about prague, my thoughts drifted to M.
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vanna
23:40
i was speaking to T just yesterday and he said sometimes i dont have to be so honest. but then i said, i like being honest because i value truth. and it is in being brutally honest, especially so with yourself, and at times towards others, that i remind myself of whats real in this conceited world we live in. people tell me its not easy to always tell the truth, be it partial or complete. but i think the more difficult thing is to decide if you are sure about hearing the truth because it is very often not what you want to hear.
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vanna
22:58
Saturday, October 15, 2011
and i will be unapologetic for the things i do and the way i behave in the pursuit of what i want. and i will be brash and blunt because i have the benefit of youth and time. and i will stand for my beliefs and disregard those who dare challenge them.
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vanna
00:09
i had no idea what to think when S wrote me out of the blue and said he would be back in sg for a bit. because afterall, i've no intentions of being anything more than acquaintances after everything ended, much less expect to see them ever again considering that they are all not locals here. with the exception of M, i would actually prefer never to see them again even if things didnt finish on bad terms. to put it bluntly, mistakes should only occur once.
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vanna
20:17
Thursday, September 29, 2011
every plane ride out of germany is always emotional.
i have no idea what to say when people asked if i had fun there, because it has become so familiar a place that its more of meeting up with friends and catching up than the thrill of discovering something new. its somewhere i can stay home all day relaxing and not feel like i have to be out there on the streets looking out for more than i already have seen.
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vanna
00:32
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
i think i've said this before, but i will say it again anyway. the thing with traveling is that each time you are about to leave the new city you just visited, its almost like leaving a part of yourself behind. because all of a sudden, the street names that seemed crazily foreign in all that chinese a week back now seem way more familiar than you ever think they would become and somehow the place has become some sort of a friend. i've never quite understood people who go on those 2week tours around a country/region and do 2days in each city. because the whole point of traveling (to me at least) is not simply to take the touristy pictures at the landmarks and then tell everyone else that you've been there and done that, but its to experience the culture, the people, their way of life, and trust me, theres no damn way you can do that in 48hours. its about seeing the city by foot, getting lost, standing by the streets holding onto a map, asking for directions, and not sitting on a tour bus getting driven around and looking out onto the streets through glass windows. its taking the subway, fighting for space with the locals, observing their behavior in public, being completely lost in translation.
traveling alone? LIBERATING.
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vanna
16:43
Sunday, September 11, 2011
if there is one word to describe shanghai, it would be unbelievable. it made me speak (or try to) more chinese than i've ever had in a whole year back home. it got me to do something that should have been done 3 years ago. it made me realize that no matter how beautiful the modern skyline at the bund is or how it tries to emulate the cosmopolitan nature of london and new york, it would take another few more decades for it to reach the height of civilization - development of the people. it made me appreciate clean air, english, order, and wifi connection so much more. that said, i simply cannot imagine the immense amount of economic success china can achieve when it reaches its full potential.
i asked A if i got more boring compared to 3 years back and he said yes. i cant quite say i agree, but i would say that the amount of traveling i did the past couple of years made me a lot more street smart.
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vanna
01:17
i think there is no more to be said at this point except, screw you. but you know what they say in my line of work - no one is irreplaceable. so bring on shanghai munich prague and all the boys, its party time :D
last weekend was getting a painful foot massage after two beers too many and wearing contact lenses for 24hours and staying out the entire night and almost forgetting to vote and oh, the horizontal exercises.flat shoes in the office it was today.
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vanna
23:51
in many ways, im looking forward so much more to munich and prague than china. it does feel like im making a hometrip to germany and i cant help but wonder if the 5days in shanghai could be better spent in another european city. it would be an understatement to say that im getting coldfeet about the china stopover. but then again, i know that sense of satisfaction when you conquer something you thought you couldnt.
i know people who think im insane to blow thousands over the yearly europe trips i make. but the things i see and the experiences i gain, i think are worth more than the louis vuitton and prada, or the ferrari and porsche.
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vanna
23:14
Thursday, August 11, 2011
it scared me quite a bit to hear that the people downstairs think of us as distant and difficult to reach and hiding in the room on the 15th floor and always taking the express lift.we all know its the truth,but to have someone tell you in the face,its something else.but its quite right to say that you can never fully support and service them until you take the effort to walk around the floors and talk to them and make your presence known.in fact,i would go so far to say that networking is as important as what you learn on the job in terms of career progression.
so here we go.4 weeks more.
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vanna
00:54
its the prospect of moving on thats both exciting and terrifying.because its often at this moment when you start to think if the move you make is really bringing you a step closer to your goals and aspirations,or a step back.i think its scary to look 5 years ahead.because each time i say i dont see myself living in this damn place for the rest of my life,im reminded at the same time that there is simply no room for stagnancy,and the things i have to achieve is forever juxtaposed against the ticking hand of time.
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vanna
23:34
what makes a more memorable birthday than falling in the pool at the beach club and getting a bruise the size of your hand on your ass.so it was beer,two bottles of vodka,champagne,and dick cupcakes (and a bottle of missing tequila).
oh yea we do it in style baby :D
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vanna
23:38
so the last 4 days,i puked into the bin in my room,fell into a drain,asked an important question,and finally booked my flights for shanghai and munich.
in every major decision made in life,there should be no halfway mark about it.because it has to be something you want bad enough and something you would go all out for.and when i make decisions like this,there is no turning back.
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vanna
22:19
i think once you've gone past the point of caring, everything else is suddenly a lot easier. because then its just a matter of getting by and all you'll be left to do is count the remaining days.
its unbelievable how much bullshit im taking just to make it for the trip this september. if i could, i wouldnt even buy a return ticket.
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vanna
22:55
so in the thousandth depressing chat the two of us who are on the brink of calling it quits had, she said its the fear of leaving the familiar that is holding her back. i think this statement speaks volumes about the attitude towards the current work environment and also, the resolution of the self.
i cant remember who it was, but someone once told me that having nice colleagues should never be the main reason stopping you from making a move because ultimately, it is your own career development at stake. i cant quite say its the best advice, but it definitely does put things into perspective.
M commented that he doesnt know how i go to work everyday given the situation im in. well, i amaze myself sometimes too.
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vanna
22:20
so here i am.reconsidering my career options a second time in 11 months.
i stand by the idea that what we have the courage to take up,we must have the strength to push through.this is mostly pride and partly stubborness.but its almost finished when you start losing interest in what you signed up for.thats when i know that when the time comes,the decision i make will exemplify es koennte auch anders sein,rather than the heaviness of es muss sein in kundera's novel.
1 comments
vanna
23:27
i told A that we sound so old complaining about jobs and money and contemplating about the future.and it seemed not so long ago that we were bitching about classes and waiting to graduate.but 3 years it has been.and being half a globe away didnt change a thing.
its kind of strange to be thinking about the past year in the middle of the new one,but i think one cant help but look back at some point.while 2010 was fun with all the parties,alcohol,and boys,it does feel like one of those been-there-done-that things.so while the vodka must keep coming,im drawing the line this year and behaving.
2 comments
vanna
22:59
half in jest and half in earnest,i said that only a civil war would stop me from flying over in september.it was at that instant that i realized i've fallen in love with a place,a culture,and its people.and each year when i go back,its like i've never left.
a colleague who got retrenched recently commented that S is a good company.i wanted to correct the statement by saying that it has the potential to be a good company,but then i decided that it would start a conversation lasting longer than for the lift to go from the 15th to the ground floor.so i just smiled and said,maybe.
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vanna
21:06
