Monday, February 28, 2011
in my line of work,we see people come and go all the time and its strange to say,but sometimes all the more it gets incredibly incredibly hard,and not easier,when people you actually consider friends,leave.or worse,leave the country altogether.when i started,i thought this will get better with time,and for a while i did think that hey its never really goodbye because the world is only this big,but only to realize that this is part self-deception and part self-comfort.but that said,i always appreciate social fluidity however hard this might be for the heart.
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vanna
23:22
Monday, February 21, 2011
and its the long rides on trains that i want to get on again.looking out of the windows and seeing nothing but the plains rolling by on one side and the wide open roads on the other as the railway tracks run beneath and everything blurring into a beautiful mess,hearing nothing but the ipod and having nothing in my mind.and its the spacious sidewalks i want to stroll on again.not having to worry about bumping into acquaintances and carrying all my shopping bags,taking in the sights of everything new,making memories,without a care in the world.and its the quaint little cafes i want to enjoy my coffee again.watching people walk by with their cute dogs,enjoying the sun in the summer and going about their daily business as i sit with my map with all the time on my hands wondering where is the next stop and being the stupid tourist lost in translation.
im counting down to september.
the thing with friends is that you can always take liberties with them.its forever so much easier to tell a friend that he will be missed and you really dont want to see him go,rather than say that to someone you have a more special relationship with.because you know with friends,they will never break your heart and make you wish you have never said those things.i always say:live,laugh,love.but my god.its so hard.
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vanna
01:06
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
it was lunch with one of the few friends left in the department and we were talking about A when i blurted out that,nope she doesnt have to do it.and in reply she said,exactly-she doesnt have to do it.it was at this moment when i realized that we both said the same words,but meant a completely different thing and wanted to bring across an entirely different message.and somehow i felt both of us knew the exact meaning of each others' words,so no more was said about A.
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vanna
20:54
Monday, February 14, 2011
and all of a sudden,im both upset and angry at the same time that this relationship had to turn out like that.its this uncontrollable urge to smash every calculator,shred every document,throw every pen, and yell at the top of my voice that i dont fucking give a stinking piece of shit anymore.in fact,im just one step short of saying i wished i've never came back.
so for the thousandth time i told myself,one day i will pack my entire life up in a suitcase and buy a one-way.
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vanna
21:38
Friday, February 11, 2011
today,someone commented that good things dont last.i have to agree.
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vanna
22:46
Friday, February 04, 2011
so with the topic of flights and strange passengers on board,the conversation inevitably turned to holidays and then somehow,to my impending trip to germany.and that was when i realized i have suddenly the answer to people's questions of why am i so distant from my immediate family.because while the rest are enthusiastic and positive,they forever remain skeptical and conservative about every single decision i make.i think i can remember the precise number of times where they were actually entirely supportive of what i did or openly admit that,goddammit i did a fucking good job.so somewhere along the 20 odd years i've lived,i've finally stopped trying to gain their approval or support.i've learnt to take my own stand and to pursue what i deem fit.and i've come to the conclusion that i do not need and cannot have the nod from everyone.when i had the same thoughts at 18,i dismissed them as teenage angst.but now im certain no one's opinion is as important as my own. so.i will stay unapologetic in the way i live,the things i love,the goals i pursue,and everything else i've and will achieve.
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vanna
23:13
