<body> Feet on the Ground, Head in the Clouds.

The current mood of vanna at www.imood.com

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Saturday, November 29, 2003

dusty room filled with dirty musical instruments lying on the floor with thick layers of dust settled on them.some covered with cobwebs even.looking as if the place has not been cleaned or used for years.carpet covered with dustballs..an obvious sign that it has not been vacuumed either.walls designed by cartoon handpaintings..the only presentable place in the entire room.furtive cleaning of unknown instruments..making faces at the filthy mess we are let to clean up.bringing the pail down to replace the murky water with a fresh supply.rags turning from white to a disgusting shade of gray in a matter of minutes.wiping the blinds that are stained black with dirt piece by piece..the top pieces occasionally cutting into the back of fingers.no detergent available at all after that.leaving the hands feeling dirty..not willing to touch anything else until they are properly washed.

2 bottles of 2liter orange syrup,2 bags of potatoes,10 cups of cup noodles.feeling the weight pull you down with each step you take as with each passing moment,the bags feel heavier.the bags would have given way had they not been finally dragged home along with the now strained and tired arms.dreading monday morning when they have to be brought there.not at all looking forward to the stares onlookers give.yet one can only look down in pure embarrassment.


0 comments
vanna
17:40

Friday, November 28, 2003

i marvel at life..how it begins and how it ends.where this narrow winding road leads to at the end of everything.it sometimes feels like walking down a dark alley..pitch dark..with no street lights to guide you and all there is is your intuition and belief.not even sure if the next step you take would lead right up to a wall..a dead end.yet sometimes it feels like walking down a beach during sun rise.able to see clearly all thats in front of you.ever so sure of what the future beholds.silhouetted against the rays which cast long shadows,you stand looking at the sea,trying to see past the present.letting go is not easy.humans seem to have a miraculous ability to hold onto all kinds of stuff in their lives including unhealthy attitudes about themselves and others.why is letting go so difficult..?why is it always so easy to hold onto our resentment,anger,fear,and hurt,and so hard to hold onto our love,joy,and happiness..?is it so hard to learn that holding on will only lead to more pain?


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vanna
23:18

Thursday, November 27, 2003

inspired by the new blogskin in one of my links,i decided that its high time my blog gets a facelift too.the layout is just perfect.streaks of colors run through the black background just like how surprises sometimes spring out of nowhere in life..adding colors to the otherwise boring and monotone journey down the road.without these the blog would juse be in shades of gray black and white.similarly,i adjusted the html in such a way that those interesting links in life have all been color highlighted.love them or hate them,you cant do without them.having met at intersections and crossroads of life,they've made an impact on me and left a lasting impression.

man utd scraped past panathinaikos in a 1-0 win this morning.forlan blasted man utd into the knockout phase of UEFA champions league with his 85th min winner.despite claiming he would field his best side against the greek,ferguson chose to leave 3 key players out and kept them on the bench even as man utd struggled to break down the home side.the game looked to be heading for a goalless draw until bellion spotted forlan's well-timed run into the box.meanwhile,chelsea failed to win sparta prague and was held to a 0-0 draw.but they'll still progress.sunday's match with EPL title rivals chelsea is a vert important one..securing 3 points would mean climbing onto the 2nd position and ferguson wont know the extent of his winnings until then...

costume
roleplay


What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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vanna
17:27

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

black spiked hair.intense eyes.angular and chiseled jawline.right tan.black collared shirt starched across his chest.blue jeans were slightly loose yet nicely fitted.standing at approximately 5ft10in.a close resemblance to a familiar person.only his figure stayed focus as the rest of the crowd faded away into a blur.gazes met in the most unexpected of places before crossing paths once again in a matter of hours with him carrying a royal sporting house plastic bag.thoughts of approaching vanished as unforeseen circumstances arose.the seconnd chance slipped by.


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vanna
22:46

Sunday, November 23, 2003

totally hypnotic,commanding attention from the audience,the room in pin-drop quietness except for the one voice speaking.an aura of authority surrounds the speaker,occasional humor drawing tensed laughter from the listeners as fear swallows them.ever so afraid that the sharp and watchful pair of eyes will pick them out from the group of people and knowing that destroying their future and reputation could be just as simple as lifting a finger does not help.practically at his mercy,everyone listens attentively,holding on to every word said,not wanting to get in the way or catch the attention of him.philosophies spoken make much sense,yet past recounts of certain events caused almost an outbreak of cold sweat.a figure that draws both respect and pure terror.well-known but rarely heard,the presence subtle but looms over,the icy cold stare that can pierce right thru your heart,look you thru upside down and inside out.not wishing at all to cross paths and face him alone anywhere else besides classes.haunting weird dreams recur,offering no logic nor explanation.


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vanna
22:31

Saturday, November 22, 2003

results fresh from the oven: man utd won blackburn 2-1 with 2 first half goals in the 23rd min.nistelrooy played a short ball to bellion.he chipped it over the top and nistelrooy's free in the box,left with a simple task and he powered the ball past friedel,scoring in the 38th min.kleberson sidefooted past friedel,a superb move executed by the brazilian.emerton slotted a ball past howard in the 62nd min but the rovers dont look like grabbing an equilizer with keane bossing the midfield as well as ever.it was a spirited second half display from rovers but the damage was done in the first half from which they couldnt recover.

think man utd's top of the table now.arsenal will play against birmingham and chelsea will face southampton later tonight.


0 comments
vanna
22:44

think it doesnt matter if you're a coward once in a while..taking the easy way out.things have not worked out as planned and with deadline just a few days away,the proper discussion with the few hasnt even been staged,leading to clashes in ideas and miscommunications of course.and somewhat,this time,i've involved gotten myself involved so much in this damn thing that its hard to pull out.time and again,i constantly sought for ways to pull out,but sitting down and thinking of it,calmly taking a step away from my position and looking at the big picture,i think i've found it.obstacles along the way are inevitable,but whats important is that we dont lose sight of our ultimate goal and turn on a bend at a road of no return.trying to look at things in a third person's point of view helps a lot in the sense that you are neutral.you want things to work out,yes..and how do you do that..?you think simply.you think out of the box and not be afraid to cross certain boundaries.not be bounded by such and such so called guidelines and limits.plenty of resources out there to be tapped,so theres no reason why you restrict yourself and run around to boxed in circles,heading nowhere.i do admit i was frustrated by failure this time round but i've since come to understand that the answer eluded me coz it required a lesser mind or perhaps a mind bound by the parameters of perfection.right from the start,i could already see the chain reaction..the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion,designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason.an emotion that is blinding pple from the simple and obvious truth.


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vanna
11:26

Thursday, November 20, 2003

You represent... apathy.
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

a little late for an update on soccer news but i'll still do it.injury ravaged England lost 3-2 to Denmark in a friendly last Sunday at old trafford.wayne rooney and joe cole scored in the absence of owen.both shouldered the goalscoring responsibility even though they managed to cope in attack,gaping defensive holes were obvious at the back.England was left almost defenseless as ferdinand and campbell were significantly missing.denmark had a quick side and without gerrard,balls were lost in the midfield area.seems like the danes finally got their revenge after the 3-0 defeat in world cup last year..damned.but looking on the bright side,its better to make mistakes in friendlies rather than in Portugal in Euro 2004.

Holland thrashed Scotland 6-0 with 3 goals from nistelrooy earlier this morning,bouncing back in devastating style to reach Portugal.this should wipe off the shock absence of Holland in world cup '02.it took just 14mins for holland to wipe out their first leg defeat.nistelrooy completed his hat-trick in the 66th min when reiziger won a duel with mcnamara to set up van der meyde on the right.his low ball evaded wilkie,giving nistelrooy a simple chance.think the scots just gotta admit it.the dutch are way too good for them.they play very good football plus they'll be one of the favorites in Euro 2004 with the french and germans.maybe scotland should learn something from the other big nations.and without christian dailly,scotland is bullshit..

meanwhile russia won wales 1-0.the only goal of the match scored by evseev.qualifier games are done and these are the 16 countries who will be heading for portugal come next year.

Portugal
France
England
Italy
Germany
Holland
Spain
Czech Republic
Denmark
Switzerland
Sweden
Greece
Croatia
Bulgaria
Latvia
Russia


0 comments
vanna
12:21

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

once again,the responsibilities pile on the shoulders,making the journey ahead difficult and tough.the near future bleak and seemingly hopeless and the mind starts to wander and slowly look for an easier way out.coincidentally,Mr Demoralize paid a visit,worsening the present situation and state of mind.expectations not met were excused with some amount of difficulty but finding your backup resources utterly unreliable just cant justify things.petty bust ups,cold stares,sharp change of tones..the word compromise seemed to have completely disappeared with the tense and unfriendly atmosphere.to back out now is the only way i can find out of this fucking mess now.yet at the same time a cowardly choice.choice...its all there is left,isnt it..?

only hope exists now.hope that all will turn out fine.hope that simple requests will be fulfilled.yes.hope.its the quintessential human delusion.simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.sometimes its frustrating to find yourself always trying to fit into others' shoes..to position yourself and see from their point of view while they continue to push their luck,wanting to get the best of everything.and at the end of it,they stand to gain much more than you do...wait.maybe you dont even gain.you lose.that just makes the difference even larger.


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vanna
22:06

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

time slips away with each passing second.yet with each passing moment,nothing is being done.wasting day after day,week after week,the ever thick pile of work remains untouched and left at a corner to collect dust.i wonder when the stack will start lessening.just like how the worksheets wonder if they'll ever be remembered.as the planning of better and more interesting events slowly divert all attention,one cant help but feel the strain of work undone building up.right now,procrastination seems to be the only short term solution.running.forever running away from whats to be faced and solved once and for all...

work aside,things are looking up.the sudden turn of events certainly caught me by surprise.will definitely try to keep up with things and make sure they stay the same for the many days to come.maybe too much effort put into this caused the downslide work wise.right.so its always the word balance.defined as even distribution of weight or amount.stability of body or mind.in the oxford dictionary.something so simple in words yet terribly difficult in practice.people have tried all their lives in trying to fulfill the conditions of the one word.and when they finally obtained it,its just as hard to keep and maintain as it is to obtain.how fragile and precious it is.at the same time so often overlooked and taken for granted by many.

burning
Your soul is bound to the Burning Rose: The
Rapture.

"I go where my heart beckons me, and I go
with my head high. But sometimes, I get a need
until I bleed so my heart swims above my
head."


The Burning Rose is associated with passion,
intensity, and desire. It is governed by the
god Eros and its sign is The Flame, or Physical
Love.

As a Burning Rose, you can get lost in the moment
if you let yourself. You are a very physical
person, be it in relationships, work, or play.
You may be driven by your hormones sometimes,
but you know it's because you have to follow
your instinct.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla


0 comments
vanna
12:50

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

everything that has a beginning has an end.while reloaded was about life,revolutions addresses death with neo stranded at mobil ave,the passage between the matrix and the real world.war breaks out on the scorched earth as machines invade zion.after neo is saved,he must travel to the city of machines to bargain with them for peace and help against smith,whom we found out from the oracle that he's neo - the negative side that is.the CG is visually stunning.especially the use of bullet time in the break in to club hell.somewhat similar to the lobby fight in the original matrix and the showdown between neo and smith in the rain.the movie ended with the oracle saying that they might see neo again.so my conclusion is that neo didnt die coz when the war ended,a new era where the mind can live without the body in the matrix began.remember how in the original,morpheus told neo that the body cannot live without the mind..?and keanu reeves really shouldnt be slammed for his wooden acting.its his clash with smith that mingled their codes and turns neo more machine-like while smith turns more human-like,gaining the ability to clone himself like a virus and freeing him from the machines.therefore its in fact flawless acting and quite normal for neo to behave the way he did.and i doubt the matrix in a matrix theory..its explained here:

http://www.thelastfreecity.com/zionswitchboard/messageview.cfm?catid=40&threadid=11010

yeah..so take a look.and the reason for neo being able to stop the sentinels in the real world can only be bcoz of him turning machine-like.the person neo was talking to on the phone at the end of part1,i think its actually the architect.recall him saying "i can feel you now.you are scared."and neo caused a system failure.right.one more thing.i dont think many of the audiences get much of the story coz whats showing now in theaters is the censored version and some important parts are cut off..

yes indeed.choice is an illusion.. created between those with power and those without.we do not understand why these things happen.what is it then..what is the reason..?and soon,it does not matter.soon the why and the reason are gone.and all that matters is the feeling itself.this is the nature of the universe.we struggle against it,we fight to deny it.but it is of course pretense.it is a lie.beneath our poised appearance,the truth is we are completely out of control.causality.there is no escape from it.we are forever slaves to it.our only hope..our only peace is to understand it.to understand the why.why is what separates us from them,you from me.why is the only real social power.without it you are powerless.and also theres no escaping reason..no denying purpose.bcoz as we know,without purpose,we would not exist.it is purpose that created us.purpose that connects us.purpose that pulls us,that guides us,that drives us.it is purpose that defines.purpose that binds.

though choice is an illusion,everything begins with it.and sometimes one just happens to make the wrong choice and must bear the consequences..good or bad.you take it like a man.grin and bear with it.we never see past the choices that we dont understand.just like what the oracle said.and today,i truly do not understand why the hell i made the choice of burning my tongue with sambal chilli.


0 comments
vanna
22:06

Sunday, November 09, 2003

well well.where should i start.2 days flew past just like that.and so did the RM160+.its surprising how these few hours can bring much light and understanding to certain things like the nature and those people you so often see but never really did try talking to.things started out a little awkward but pretenses soon fell away as time passed.however i would say im still very apprehensive.. afterall first impressions do make a difference and this is a darn good example.would conclude that its a pretty good 2-day break except for eth room toilet,hot weather,stomachache on first day,not to mention getting lost around jonkers street and making the entire bus wait for a good 15mins in the name of buying a tee.(right..thats about half of everything.) the trip is very much a success and definitely a fruitful one.literally that is.*smirks


0 comments
vanna
21:39

Friday, November 07, 2003

to think that some things that you look forward so much to...that kept you optimistic for the past few days despite the bleakness are just lies..is utterly disappointing.and not am i only thoroughly disappointed,im very much angered by the sudden turn of events.not coz of the assumed quality of certain things,but coz of how the people reacted.why is it that some people you expected to understand how you would feel after the chain of..well..ordeals,just fail to.and come short of the personal demands of one.maybe its the high level of difficulty to relate to each other.if thats the case,i shall not bother to try anymore in future.

a major event ended today,leaving me with a hollow space within to be filled.it sounds strange coz this is definitely not what i expected.it suddenly seems im left aimless and empty.what i did expect instead was absolute elation and perhaps a slight tinge of smugness.maybe i did experience these,but only for that brief moment like a passing cloud..drifting..and then its gone again.but i hold my hopes high that the next couple of days will be more fulfilling and more..much more enjoyable than the disaster today...


0 comments
vanna
22:41