its halloween and here im,sitting pathetically in front of the computer brooding over the 'outcome' of this year,wondering if i deserve what i got,and sadly i gotta say i dont.coz putting in twice as much as i get is definitely not my idea of a successful year.you know,when someone tells you that you deserve something..something good presumably,doesnt mean that you have the ability to do it.neither is seeing so many others ahead of you my idea of success.and thats more than half of the cohort for you.much as i hate to admit it,i think things have all gone the wrong way since the start of the year.its been one whole fucked up year indeed.the term closes today but somehow it seems that 2003 and 2004 will be one big year joined.the next 2 months wont be much of a holiday i guess.when term begins again in january,i would have the feeling its term 5.dammit.bet the party's underway at sentosa right now.what the hell!and no,im not going to say i dont give a damn..coz i do.
its good to know that honest people still exists.coz they are fast becoming a minority in the world.thats a sad fact..so.sometimes its weird to find that strangers are a lot nicer to you than those close to you.maybe they're just wearing masks..or maybe its bcoz people close to you are taking things for granted.whichever way you look at it,it definitely feels good.even for that split second when a kind act from an unknown soul brightens your day.
"If I was invisible
I could just watch you in your room
If I was invisible
I would make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
I'll tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
Wait
I already am"
-Invisible by Clay Aiken
0 comments
vanna
23:32
for a long time now,i've convinced myself that there is nothing worth believing in.and certainly nothing worth sweating over.definitely nothing worth dying for.but now...now...i'm not too sure.November 7,03 looms like a dark shadow ahead and as the date approaches,i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole not sure at all where it will lead to.or whether i'll ever come out of it and embrace sunlight once again...
its funny isnt it?something i've been doing all the time with so much frequency that feelings are numb.and then,just all of a sudden,i feel like...feel like...i'm so...tired.so sick of doing the same thing over and over again.almost on the brink of giving up.as if i've been pushed to near point-break.as if any more of these. and i'll fall over the edge.yet...yet...a voice tells me that its impossible to give up now.that i must go on and win the race eventually.yes.fear,hope,desire.yes.they keep me going.spurring me on.
0 comments
vanna
23:10
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
saw the third and last piece of pie!definitely worth watching.though not as good as the first two.its still as raunchy.. with east great falls just a memory now,the gang moves on to the next big step of their lives,beginning by preparing for jim and michelle's wedding.stifler remains pretty much the same..wacky and original,still using the f-word excessively,forever coming up with offensive and damn quotable quotes.and this time,a plan to throw the ultimate bachelor party that went horribly wrong.not to mention eating dog poo,fucking jim's grandmother,dancing at a gay bartop,but actually saved the wedding at the end.think he really did stand out from the group of actors.speak of attention grabbing.my favorite character from the pie series definitely.oz wasnt in this movie... in fact few of the original cast remained.but hey guess what.theres still jim michelle finch kev the stifmeister stifler's mom jim's dad and the gorgeous sister of michelle,cadence.almost didnt want american wedding to end.kinda grew up with these characters over the past years in the 3 installments.so much so that i have grown to love them all for their different traits.i mean,its something you can relate to and identify with coz everyone has a stifler friend and everyone's got a little jim inside of them.american pie 1 saw the guys desperately trying to get laid before graduation during prom night.jim getting oh-so-close to hooking up with nadia plus the whole thing being shown over the net.pie 2 saw them reuniting in the next summer with a party at a beach house,lesbians,jim getting superglued to himself and all.american wedding totally wraps up this saga completely.no point in dragging the whole thg.so its good to end it while its still good.maybe its just another teen movie to many others,i shant dispute that.but these characters have left an impression too deep in me.for who knows?maybe i'll look back 10 or 20 years down the road and go 'hmmm...'
"Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls! Bye-bye, Great Falls! Wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!"
"I gonna hang out with my wang out! Rock out with my cock out!"
"Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake!"
0 comments
vanna
23:06
at the end of the tunnel,its just another train to knock you down.not some light we all believe so faithfully in.the tragedy of life is not losing,but almost winning.just like hanging on a cliff holding on to dear life and you see a rope less than a meter from you.just right there.whether or not you live will depend on whether you can reach and grab that lifesaver.but as you reach out..you realize that no matter how hard you stretch,how hard you bend with all your will and determination,you find that you just cant seem to get hold of that one thing that can save your ass.maybe the tip of your middle finger's just able to feel a wisp of the many tiny threads of the rope.thats even if you try your best.then at last you get frustrated and so fucked up after these fruitless attempts that you decide to take one final gamble - jump and get over with this.you are afterall sick and tired of all these bullshit.if you get the rope,you're safe.your life is intact.you're a hero.but miss the rope,you go tumbling down from the great heights and you land on the ground with your insides out.you're stupid.you get my point?its all or nothing.this is life.and i just happen to be that fool who jumped off the cliff and missed the rope,gambling my life away instead of perhaps hanging onto the cliff and thinking of other better ways out.but if you would like to understand my situation,i've already hung in there for way too long.trying to think of other alternatives that i've come to the conclusion that im better off dead than hanging on to the miserable piece of rock for the rest of my life.so here im.on hard solid ground.not only laid and arranged,but with some parts missing.yes you're right.i chose this path myself and i can only accept it.pick up the bits and pieces left behind.with just 3 words i think i can sum up what i’ve learnt in life.it goes on.and its really up to you to move on.start from rock bottom and make your way up again...
0 comments
vanna
23:23
why is it that whenver you see just a glimpse of hope,it disappears within the next second together with a minute trace of motivation?before you can even capture it,before you even know whats happening..things just happen.dont they?many a time,without much of a reason or any explanation,they just kind of befall on you.despite all these undesired happenings,despite the voice inside of you telling you to stop pursuing these so called dreams or aims coz of the countless setbacks,you find that you cant stop.you get this force behind you telling you to go on.to try again..and again..and again.till you succeed.telling yourself you are gonna make it.and will do whatever it takes.even if it means standing alone,engulfed in moments of solitude,out against all odds on the battlefield.i've been asking myself for a long time now - what is this force so empowering,so undefiable that we all steer in that direction.and i think i've finally found the answer..its fear.hope.and desire.they push us on.
used to think nothing of honoring my words and promises.but have since change my stand.for thats how you gain people's trust in you.i've gone the long and round about way in learning this valuable lesson,but at least i finally did.was jolted awake when the tables turned against me.trust and respect are not issues to be trifled with especially with people close to you.coz when you're at your most desperate and helpless,these are the same people you turn to.
0 comments
vanna
22:31
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
you hope and you dream but you never believe that something's gonna happen for you.not like it does in the movies.and when it does,you sort of expect it to feel different.more visceral.,more real.like IMAX maybe.yeah...its all around us.you look around,you see different people doing different things...people hanging out.,people sipping coffee,having burgers... you could be anywhere else in the world,but you could only find it here.what are these people looking for...?for me,its about finding out something about a place and something about yourself.and when you get off the beaten track,thats when you find out what there is to find out.i like being alone for 2 reasons.first of all,being alone allows you more opportunity to absorb your experiences on a personal level.secondly,i feel theres no one suitable to accompany me.in a way,life is like a giant cookie.mix everything together,add a couple of nuts,and you get a great combination with a soft center.but miss out just one tiny bit of detail,it turns out bad.and thats the way the cookie crumbles...
well.and so it ended.but not quite though as nov7,o3 draws near.just a short period of time to catch my breath again before work piles up and also to let loose before results are made known.not much time...just about 2.5 days.hopes aren't high as they fell during the few hours of suffering in the hall the past days.but then again,whats done cannot be undone...and we shall see.
england held turkey to a 0-0 draw at istanbul on saturday.would have won if becks didn't miss that fateful penalty.looks like he tripped and the ball went off the bar.think its the first time he miss a penalty for england.what a pity.alpay sneered becks after his miss and a row followed.its plastered all over the papers now.no surprise..think alpay's future in premier league and international wise is ruined.only got himself to blame.a fine player,but crushed coz of his temper.ferdinand was left outta the squad due to him not taking a blood test.england squad threatened a strike if ferdinand's not included..thankfully it didn't take place.but matter still not cleared up..dont think he's guilty of drugs..
0 comments
vanna
22:28
i wonder how it feels like to be standing up there on the stage looking down upon 350+ students,a sea of blue,hurriedly scribbling on their scripts.or even just walking down the aisle of tables in the hall watching the students around you stumped and puzzled by the questions..shivering coz of the aircon..breaking out in cold sweat.little does it affect the teachers who are used to these sights.for year in year out,they watch on.most unaffected and numb now.its become increasingly hard to find time to do the things i enjoy now,much less settle unresolved issues.they'll just be left hanging in mid-air for now i guess...
EPL rape probe suspects' names are all over the net.one england ace from chelsea and 7 from newcastle i heard.shall not mention names here.rather surprising... quite a letdown for what i thought should hav proper conduct as england internationals.stunned speechless when names were discussed in chatrooms.truth'll come to light sooner or later so its for you to find out..
man utd lost and won 2 matches in a week.now 2nd in table after 3-0 win over birmingham.thank goodness chelsea drew 1-1 today but arsenal beat liverpool 2-1..what a pity.liverpool could have held them to at least a draw if not for what seemed like a own goal.
once again felt that im at the eye of the tornado,unaffected by the serious happenings,holding up an imaginery shield to block out any distractions to my academics while people close to me fret and worry about what seems like a slowing losing battle of one.not unfeeling though..its just me telling myself to go on..live life as usual..and to take care of all these after the finals..aft chi o's...yeah maybe im just running away.
0 comments
vanna
23:01
