<body> Feet on the Ground, Head in the Clouds.

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Thursday, August 28, 2003

twisted confused thoughts.dunno what to think.uncertain of the future..not sure of what it holds.finding solace only in the dead of the night.things that have side tracked and gone the bad way cant possibly be brought back to what was before.there will always be a gap..a distance that you cant,or rather,wouldnt wanna close for fear of repeating history.right..why talk so much about it when it doesnt really matter...dont give a damn.

looking around me,i wonder when things will start to sort themselves out.not just about that particular issue..but..of almost everything i have put aside.just to get time to do proper school work.after the finals?after the chinese o's?after secondary school life?procrastinating..delaying..running away from things wont set them straight.if we do take some time off our busy schedule to reflect on the things we've cast aside bcoz of things we thought of as more important,we'll find that perhaps these less important things are actually the ones that matters most to you and the urgent things you deemed are worth your attention actualli just make up a small part of your life.many a time,we concentrate on a small part of it,not taking a step away to see a bigger picture of things.


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vanna
23:59

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

cant seem to find planet mars in the night sky.must be coz of the cloudy sky left by rain the past couple of days.no north star..no moon either..nothing shines through.just the borderless sky in midnight shade.like a velvet cloth over the world.sometimes so suffocating one cant breathe.restraining your thoughts and movements.just wanting to break free from the chains that bind you to the very place..but weighing what seems like a hundred tonnes,they refuse to let you go.and once again,you are held back as you collapse in sheer tiredness.thoughts of giving up slowly set in..demoralized..drained.you begin to accept things like they are..look reality in the eye.


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vanna
23:07

Monday, August 25, 2003

not able to breathe through my nose...tasteless food..aching body...low memory storage..low level of concentration...spinning headaches..no appetite..lethargic...practically brain dead..running a slight temperature..mucus dripping from nose like some river (maybe should build a dam)..less than 50% of homework done..more procrastination...needs sleep...shagged..ILL.


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vanna
22:55

Saturday, August 23, 2003

today passed with the same hollow feel i had last saturday.memories flooded back to the mind once again.and then did i realize that perhaps there are still some things i cant let go of.certain things that i thought i had gotten over but really havnt. what can i do but console myself with the thought that nothing stays the way you want it forever.for even the rocks erode,the flowers wilt,and the rivers run themselves dry.nature's cruel.dreams are fragile.just like how bubbles burst with the touch of the hand.even if it doesnt,for how long can we grasp on to that...?nothing has value till its gone.yeah..how true.its strange.you work so hard,you do everything you can to get away from a place.and when you finally get your chance to leave,you find a reason to stay.


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vanna
23:30

Friday, August 22, 2003

its strange to think...i havnt seen you since a month.i've seen the new moon, but not you.i have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face.the pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle.i miss you like the sun misses the flower.like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.instead of beauty to direct its light to,the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.hope guides me.that is what gets me thru the day and the night.the hope that after you're gone from my sight,it'll not be the last time that i look upon you.


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vanna
23:16

Thursday, August 21, 2003

maybe i should be awarded a nobel prize.yeah?for failing 3 tests straight in a week..how about that?after months of slacking,think i've finally decided to wake up from deep slumber and get ready to rock on.seem to have picked up the tempo once again..cant really define whats my source of motivation...but just know im gonna work my ass off the next term for the finals and do whaever it takes..blood...sweat....tears.dont give a damn about all this.what matters is the final result.seemed to me that someone has given me a tight slap in the face and a wake up call.always striving to keep ahead of others..to prove others wrong.guess thats the thing that has kept me going all this while.certain things still unsettled shall be left so as theres no point trying to pursue such useless goals.people come and people go..so i'll just accept this explanation for now.always believing there are many more worth while things in life to go after..right.i should just shut the fuck up and continue running my marathon.


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vanna
22:55

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

ever come to that point in life where you stop and ponder why you are working and trying so hard...?well,i hav.right now.i mean why strive your ass off?sometimes not even sure if you'll succeed.and even if you do,where will it,or rather,where can it bring you to in the next step in life.things taught in school are generally irrelevant to life in society later on,so why bother to get good grades?and why do employers judge workers by their qualifications?getting a degree and graduating simply mean another piece of paper...does it really matter that much?

blogging during english class and dying of boredom.thinking of a easier way out in life..random thoughts just passing thru the mind.just felt i needed to spew them out.


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vanna
11:41

Sunday, August 17, 2003

living is like running a marathon.you need to keep up with others as well as have the motivation and perseverance to carry on.you cant afford to rest and lose the momentum coz by the time you pick it up once again,you'll find that you are left behind..forgotten.thats the harsh reality.its a dog-eat-dog world out there.either you grab the chance..make e best of it,or it'll be others' stepping stone to success.just like in a race,there is only one number one.

in life we all hold onto something that matters to us the most.but ever so subtly it slips away leaving us devastated and upset.would it save us much tears and heartbreak had we all let go of it right at the beginning..?why did we hang on so tightly till the very last when at the end,realize that nothing is forever..and the very hope is prised away from us and we are powerless to do anything but just go along with this little game of life.


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vanna
16:01

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

the start of WWII was triggered by a few underlying reasons like the failure of league of nations,hitler's expansionist policy and appeasement policy the league of nations followed.the immediate reason was the invasion of poland by german using blitzkreig.during WWII,USA and other western powers worked with USSR to defeat germany.the alliance was formed only coz they have a common enemy.so in fact,both parties were never friends.after WWII they were suspicious of each other and there was much distrust.

history has repeated itself in a different form in the year 2003.the many conflicts that were left unsolved over the past 2.5 years has amounted to the final explosion.gave in many times,but just like hitler took advantage of britain and france's sympathy and hope to avoid war,they took chances for granted.it has eventually blown up into something quite comparable to WWII,not of coz without the same primary and secondary reasons which i shall not mention.right now,its the cold war period where a thick cloud of ambiguity hangs in the air,with a less than friendly atmosphere.people who used to work together to get rid of a common goal now turn their backs on each other.perhaps life really does revolve around politics.now i understand the phrase "There are no permanent friends or enemies,only permanent interests." its human nature to be selfish.for we only look after our own well-being.


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vanna
22:41

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

realized that our efforts for the jars and gifts we made for the ndp03 ma'ams and sirs has not gone down the drain.think they really didnt expect it.must have made them felt appreciated.see what kevin sir wrote on his blog..

"At the end, one of the most memorable thing was receiving a Thank You card, a jar of sweets and a flower from the Cedar Girls' presentatives. they gave each instructor the same thing including freddy. "

he must have made a mistake coz we didnt give freddy marshall the jar.only the flower and card i think.coz the jar that was meant for him went to wendy ma'am instead.found that my 2 blog entries after ndp was similar to jianfu sir's..take a look for yourself.

"yes, perhaps indeed all good thing must come to an end someday, for only which it shall become an experience. ndp03 finally marked its final ending earlier on today. no longer will they have to listen to our familiar nagging, scorched mercilessly during rehearsals, and the endless wait for the next form up. i can still recall our first internal training in campsite, drilling along the slope, endless wheelings about the giant field. the total stranger that once stood beside them becomes so uniquely bonded now. yes, the effect is indeed amazing, or rather indescribable. the mixed feelings so overwhelming that you almost feel like crumbling inside.the white umbrellas were indeed a perfect match for the little sweet devils in white, and they shall continue to terrorise the instructors' hearts for ages to come. surprisingly i feel a small surge of motivation. yes, thats what i need now. thank you all =)"

this was the entry a few hours after we left hq itself.he even included a pic of the gifts we gave him :) shiwei ma'am wrote this comment at this particular entry..

" yupz.. very very touched by the gesture of the cedar cadets =p "

does tt refer 2 our jars etc too...?:)

here's what jianfu sir has to say on sunday..

"did you wake up this morning, being struck so hard that you felt the stunt for a moment? yes, its over. just as the whole singapore rejoice over the celebration of its 38th birthday, whatever that we have been holding on to suddenly vanishes the moment everyone left haw par hall as if the clock strikes 12 midnight for cinderella. perhaps theres no way we can hold on to it forever (even with all our might), and someday your dreams will die off. be it the dark tempest, or the warmth of the sunshine, there is this teeny weeny beauty about it, shared by its ugliessness along the same thin line. the beauty so enchanting, that even if its the destructive tempest, the mesmerized heart yearns to walk through it again.
like a novel, as long as you want to continue to indulge in its beauty, the only way is to keep reading on, at the same time drawing nearer to its 'the end'. Venus must have been with us, magically sewn its thread under our very breath. its effect as magical as the spell itself, the moments we worked together, stood under the evening sun admiring its beauty, feel the crowd roaring, the same surge as that overwhelms our heart, shouted as one voice, sang friends as our fingers danced in a series of movement as everyone else starts to stare, moving towards the same goal. Yes, its best left as memories now, very heartwarming ones indeed. memories so beautiful that we fear of losing them, best kept beyond the manhole within the arteries of our heart, untouched and untroddened by others. or take it to our stride like freddy has put it, to let the beauty fade into the dark alleys of time. becoming yet another piece of memory, forgotten, forsaken, and never to be mentioned again. move on, looking forward to the next beauty along the road that seems neverending beyond the horizons. and perhaps irresistably smile when we see the beauty of the evening sun again. feel the nostalgic memories flood back from beyond the manhole, about the perfect formula we were in 2003. the perfect formula that we were, not anyone more or anyone less. we have took so long to renew this friendship of ours, and we shall look forward to reading the next book again."

maybe thats what most of the ndp cadets and instructors are thinking then.moving on is easier said than done..somethings are just too hard to let go.they've become a part of you.so much so that you cant live on without them.wonder how i'm gonna live thru the remaining saturdays.how will it feel to finally get home before evening again..how will it feel to wake up on sunday morning and felt that you've not done much the previous day..how will it feel to go back to life before ndp.


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vanna
22:54

in the school computer lab now doing some project.com is so damn lousy man.cant even type properly.using the irc coz the one at home cant connect.very bored.its already half an hr since i m here and my group has not done anything.ok maybe i've not done anything.tuesday's suppose to be my rest day.the only day in the 5 days i dont have tuition..and now here im.stuck in sch doing some shitty english product review.well..cant b helped. man utd won the community shield against arsenal on sunday thru penalty kicks.it was a 1-1 draw.the penalties were settled with 4-3 :) all thanks to rookie goalkeeper tim howard.my man of the match goes to him as well.wouldn't have won if he didn't dive for the 2 penalties.new season starting soon..think chelsea's gonna make it big coz with new star players,their squad is reformed and everything.even veron is going over there.think that's not a wise move by ferguson coz in his 2 years in man utd,he has not yet unlocked his potential.perhaps sir alex should have given him more time.heard that cristiano ronaldo is close to becoming a red devil..a striker from lisbon.thats all for the moment..think i'd better go over to help in the project work..


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vanna
15:40

Monday, August 11, 2003

school went pretty well today.very tired after the damn 2.4km run.clocked a timing of 14.50mins.not too bad but not satisfactory enough.skipping a maths tuition today.cant really be bothered to turn up knowing that you-know-who is gonna be there.and too lazy to drag myself there anyway.didnt have much of a recess coz 2.4 dragged into it.not having lunch either..nothing to eat at home.still cant keep the ndp thing outta my head..it just spins around in my mind like a tornado..not dying off.but much better compared to yesterday.perhaps only time will take away this tinge of passion still burning.maybe we all must learn to let go.failure to do so will eventually result in our own downfall.wonder if the latest ndp pics are up yet at mr.ang's gallery..shall check it out later.


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vanna
15:45

Sunday, August 10, 2003

woke up this morning,stared at the ceiling for a long long time before reality eventually hit me.that all these sats i've feared and looked forward to at the same time is now gone.no longer present.wonder how i would live knowing that there would never again be another saturday like the past 18 ones i've been thru.mixed feelings about this whole issue.the positive side being having more time to spare academic wise.the negative side being not able to see the instructors and fellow ndp cadets every saturday again.maybe i will live to miss the constant nagging and yelling from the sirs and ma'ams.still,i refuse to believe that everything ended the moment we all left hq yesterdat night.still,i hold onto this fading hope that maybe its all but a terrible nightmare.but as the sunlight shone into my room and onto my face this morning,i finally came to accept reality.all of this is but of memories now.viewed the taped chn5 ndp program..not much of the redx contingent is shown.ok as far as i can see..maybe its even good..excellente..i dunno.guess all of us put in our very best for redx,for s'pore.not only the hq personnel and cadets but also the 2 marshalls..freddy and edwin..the 3 army trainers..

red cross ndp03 in-house song:

Friends they make me happy,
bring sunshine to my life.
A light of hope you always are,
standing by me near and far.
Lending me your shoulders,
when I need to cry.
You're part of my life, friends,
forever in my heart.
You're part of my life, friends,
forever in my heart.

thats all i have to say.couldn't help but feel a twang of nostalgia in my heart.not your average sentimental person,but let this be an exception.


0 comments
vanna
23:21

all good things come to an end.with no exception of redx ndp '03.the closing of this chapter of my life simply means the start of a brand new one.the day's events just kept replaying over and over again in my mind.really cant bear to let this night just slip away so silently.how i wish 090803 would never end.how i wish today is just 170403...the very first ndp training.if given the chance to live again these months and make the decision whether i still would join ndp,i wld say..yes.yes with all my heart.whats this feeling of knowing that you might never see these people you've seen and known for the past 4 months ever again..indescribable indeed.just hours ago at hawpar hall looking at people fretting to take pictures and contact numbers from each other for fear of losing them.i know that we share this special bond between us..this bond forged over the past few months...it really shows how united and complete the whole contingent has become.very much in contrast with the first few trainings.could still remember almost every single detail the first training at redx camp site.it rained that day and we were all drenched.we were divided into 3-4 groups and different instructors took us.most of us cedarians stuck together and we were taken by eng kee sir and zhiwen sir.when the rain finally did stop,we stank of sweat and rainwater.still remember complaining of how tough the training was.thinking back now.,i think we've certainly come a long way since.wanna give my heartfelt thanks to all the instructors.mr ang,jianfu sir,kevin sir,zhiwen sir,eng kee sir,dorlisa ma'am,shiwei ma'am,elaine ma'am.jiayun ma'am,peishan ma'am,wendy ma'am.we all wouldn't have made it this far without you.all the scoldings,punishments,hours of training are all worth it in the end.heard that we put up a pretty good show for the final run.have to watch the repeat telecast to judge for myself then.well...this experience is one hell of a rollercoaster ride.full of ups and downs.an enriching one which will be part of my most treasured memories.really hate to end this entry but we must get on with our lives.so with this,i close a significant part of my life.RED CROSS NDP 2003!Hoo-Ah!


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vanna
02:02

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

i guess we are all hypocrites in our own way.all backstabbing each other given the chance to.all willing to back stab our way into somewhere great.all willing to betray the trust people have in you.all willing to give up friendship for something deemed greater and of more importance.though not in committee..i seemed to have been wind up in this big hurricane too.just twirling in it..feeling the strain and pressure.maybe somewhere in the eye of this tremendous disaster..where i can still see and judge clearly without any biasness.but then the stress is building on..and some day..who knows,the rubberband might just snap..


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vanna
22:24

Sunday, August 03, 2003

its after ndp again and yeah..you're right.here im sitting in front of the com typing away and munching on chips again.week in week out.but all these shall end next week.these 4.5 months spent practising ndp drills flew past like nobody's business.there were happy times when we were praised for our good performances,and also not so good times when we were reprimanded for slacking and slow movements..not following instructions.but never once did i actually regret joining this year's ndp.sure,there were indeed times when i have my doubts..wondering if all the sweat and blood i put in is worth.it was a really great and fulfilling once in a life time experience...spending my whole sat with the redx contingent just felt so...family.its like so totally..indescribable.think after these gruelling months,we share a bond between us.saturdays after 9 aug 03 will definitely be different.im sure everyone wants to look back and smile at the memories and happenings these months.im sure this part of their lives will be firmly etched in thier minds as we all move on after next week.all going separate ways,but its comforting to know that we have once crossed paths,worked together,and achieved something.


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vanna
00:22

Friday, August 01, 2003

shit her.damn her.fuck her.this asshole.mothafucker.bitch.lets face it.i can stand her no longer.she.eileen.right. think i've given her enough time to change.think i've put up enough of her nonsense.enough of her tantrums.enough of letting her getting her way in whatever the hell she wants.enough of simply HER.damned.just had no idea that more than half of us are not happy with her.think she's affecting people around her too.influencing them to be one of her kind.like a virus.it spreads like the speed of light.alright.i've decided.since she does not realize it herself.i shall make her.the truth shall be displayed right in her face.

the humid air of the forest pierced by the sparkles of sunrays sent from the hidden sun. the densely decorated trees of the ancient woods untouched by civilisation, the thick undergrowth left untroddened by the human foot. the mystery that lurks behind the trunks and dances from blind spots to others, often threatening to the mind. for every predator has its prey to prey on, and every prey has its predator to fear of. even being on top of the food chain, we homosapiens have ourselves to be wary of. scheming minds and insensitive actions from strangers and so-called friends.

but perhaps the law of the wild does applies. for even the ferocious wolves move in packs, be it for desperate survival or a merciless attack. several times i do wonder if my pack still watches my back as much as i watches theirs, or perhaps im left alone to face the uncharted dangers ahead.


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vanna
16:10