its always more easy to tell of things you do not want rather than define the things you want.but its equally horrifying to find out what you want by listing all your options,then striking off the things you do not want.
i sometimes wonder what people's worst fears are.one of mine is mediocrity.
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vanna
22:11
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
in one of the more interesting long distance calls,we were musing about relocation when i said i have really nothing to stay for in singapore anymore and he said,its the same for him in germany.i cant help but feel at that instance that this sounds a little sad yet liberating at the same time.and then i went on to wonder,how much can i take before the scale tips over,or whether its the pull or the push factors that will finally make me say,fuck it all im packing up and getting out of here.but again,im not sure if its rationality or cowardice,but its so hard to go when there's no job waiting for you there.
i think its entirely ridiculous that my little forms of emotional support come from some 6000miles away and from people i dont see very often at all.i dont understand it either.
i would say that every major decision is a leap of faith to some extent because you never know for sure how it will turn out.so the only thing we can consider is really,can we live with the worse possible outcome for that choice made,and how bad is it compared to the worse outcome of the other option.the tragedy of life is that you will never find out and you will be kept guessing about the 'what ifs',because you will never be placed in the exact same moment at the exact same crossroads ever again to make the same decision.such is also the beauty of it.
so i asked her if its true.and she said yes.
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vanna
00:10
and the water with the tears
and the tears with the water
and then you cannot tell the difference anymore
so at that moment you hate yourself for being so goddamn weak.
i think its the frustration and anger that cant be outwardly expressed.how you have to put up a pretense and grit your teeth.its half fear and half pride.its fear because you can never tell the consequences if you say what you really mean,and its pride because you want to show them you can take any shit they throw at you.and its scary to keep doing this.because these are the very things that drive people insane.
you know its black monday when even a friend tells you he's upset with you.
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vanna
00:58
eliot wrote that april is the cruelest month.
so i told myself,im made of steel and nothing can tear me apart.
nothing like a short chat with an old friend to pull me back to reality.
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vanna
22:56
